Healthy Kids Need Emotionally Healthy Parents

Healthy Kids Need Emotionally Healthy Parents
By Sally Sacks
Author of How To Raise The Next President

I have learned as a parent and a counselor that self confidence in oneself as a parent produces the best results in parenting your kids. Whether you are praising them or disciplining them, your confidence as a person is crucial for your child to succeed. In fact I believe that the parents’ confidence in what they say and do with their child is the most important child rearing tool. I feel examples are the best way to demonstrate a point so let’s go.

Christmas is coming, and most kids have a list of 50 items that they want, some very expensive. Many parents get wrapped up in spending too much money, that they have to get what their child wants, or what another friend is buying their child. If one engages in confident parenting, the parent might say, “you can have two really nice things“, and put a limit on price. Kids will argue and argue, till they are blue in the face, and as parents you must speak up for your rights, assertively. I have found that children listen when parents are firm and assertive.

Jake, age 13, kept hitting his sister. He would wrestle with her roughly, and hurt her neck constantly. He was told a number of times assertively to stop, and didn’t. So the next time he did it, his parents told him he’d have to walk home. It was cold out. Jake did it again, and was asked to walk home, once the distance was close enough that he could. The parents were assertive in saying that they gave him warnings, and he left them no choice. The behavior significantly decreased between Jake and his sister. Jake needed the assertive limit set.

Kara’s mom doubts her parenting skills. Every time her girl, age 11, wants to go somewhere she has trouble setting a limit. When friends come to the house, they stay way too late, and she has trouble getting them out earlier. Then, she is angry because she has no down time. She needs to check her needs, and set boundaries and limits assertively. If a parent lacks assertiveness, they will have the same problem parenting that they have in other situations.

The holidays are stressful times, because parents already feel pressure, financially and emotionally. Then there is getting together with families and the problems most families have. Just because they are family doesn’t mean you want to be with them. This is why working on your own assertiveness as a person is so important to promote healthy parenting. Set boundaries for yourself, and your children will learn to set boundaries and make choices.

How do you become a more assertive parent?

Write down what you feel or how you feel in a child related situation, and try to express your feelings to your child. For example. Joe is being really disrespectful, rude and obnoxious. The parent thinks of every name in the book to call him. Write down you feelings. One parent might be sad that their son is acting this way, another angry. Angry is a good feeling to have in this case, but write down your thoughts to tone your feelings down or spike them up.” You are acting very selfish”, for example is better than, “you are acting like a bleep, bleep, bleep.” Let your imagination run wild. But do get your feelings out that it isn’t ok to continue the behavior. I find when I do this my kids become very respectful. I say just like I would to an adult, “It’s not ok to talk to me this way.” Then I walk away and give the behavior no attention. (And I feel confident in my doing that.) Confidence is the key. I used to try and analyze it. Save that for later, in a quieter moment.
Seek help in parent support groups, mothers’ groups and from friends. Other people can offer you support, and new ideas that you may not have thought of to handle a challenging situation.
A professional counselor can be extremely helpful. Counselors are trained to help people think differently, more productively. Their job is to help one to function to the best of their ability. Their support and guidance can help you to become more confident in your parenting.
Read books on becoming more assertive. There are so many on the topic. Books are really helpful, and usually offer guidance from those who are experts in the field of parenting, or have gone through the challenges of parenting successfully.
Take care of yourself, to build your self confidence. Get enough sleep, eat right and exercise often.

Remember, when you change yourself, you change your world. We are constantly working on ourselves, therefore constantly changing our world.

Sally Sacks, M.Ed., LMHC, CAS is a psychotherapist who promotes mental health through the art of productive thinking. With more than 20 years of counseling experience, Sally works with Individuals, couples and families to restructure their nonproductive thoughts and beliefs into progressive, positive methods for daily living. She is the author of How To Raise The Next President, A Parent's Guide To Giving Your Kid The Secrets of Success. Sally holds her Masters in Education/Psychology.